Ever since I was little I didn't really stand out. I didn't exactly look like everyone else but there was nothing exceptional or special about me. I wasn't the worst at anything and I wasn't the best.
But one day, not sure when, I realized that I could write.Once I came to this revelation I wrote my little angsty heart out. I wrote poems, songs, stories, and constants attempts at a book or two. I remember people telling me that I was going to grow up and become a writer. They just knew it was gonna happen so I too assumed it was going to happen.
But it didn't.
Nothing came of my writing, instead I moved away, went to college, dropped out and had kids. But occasionally I would try to write. There was no one to read it but I wrote for my sanity, I wrote for my emotional preservation. And then eventually, I stopped. I wasn't aware that I had stopped, I was too busy trying to make my way through my life, head down, soldiering on.
I had children to provide for, trauma's to ignore and move past. Occasionally I would pick up the old pad and pen (I'm old no computers) and jot down a song or two. Maybe a poem but in the end I would become preoccupied with trying to retain my sanity and somehow not screw my kids up too much in the process.
I definitely wasn't writing when I was homeless, I was barely breathing. The thought of even putting my horror show to paper was a step across the line into devastation. If I didn't acknowledge it then it couldn't own or define me.
Over time the kids got older, I got my shit together and I took a moment to take stock of my life and my story. There were some many parts of my life that I wanted to use to help someone, anyone. I wanted to reach out to some girl who was or had been in my shoes. But I no longer had a voice.
That voice had been beaten out of me, literally and figuratively. I waffled between "who would want to hear what I had to say?" and "Did I have the courage to let someone in to my life?".
So I didn't do it, I pretended that this gift that people used to think was so amazing had never existed.
And this is why I started this blog. Because how can I not take that risk? I have played it safe for so long, I'm am nearly incapable of vulnerability. So I have to do things that make me uncomfortable. and boy does this make me uncomfortable!
SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA GO - Here comes the list, I LOVE LOVE lists!
* I'm gonna talk about what's going on in the world - I'm a liberal so don't be surprised
*I'm gonna probably touch on why I don't want K. Harris, Sanders and or Warren in 2020, but I fan girl over Beto
*My struggle with my racial identity is central to how I view the world. So you're gonna hear about it
*I believe that Black Lives Matter
*We incarcerate Black Men for bullshit while we let Cis gendered White Males off for heinous crimes
*We are still broken as a community (Black community) and our struggle is directly in relation to the atrocities committed against us - don't come at me with some excuse about get over it, that's some racist BS too
* "Black on Black Crime" is a bullshit and racist phrase
*I have privileged because of my light skin and because of this sometimes I need to sit down and shut up
*Trans rights are non negotiable
* MEN GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!
* My reproductive rights are not up for your debate
I could go on but then what would I have to blog about?